Social anxiety and carefreeness are polar opposites. With anxiety there is a compulsive want to control your surrounding and the people around you. It becomes sickeningly the main focus in the mind and everything is about other peoples perception (and here it is important to know that It’s always the perception you project. It’s impossible to know..) I remember being scared of getting on the bus because I didn’t want to make a mistake in front of a crowd and I didn’t want to met other peoples eyes when I found a seat. If someone got on the bus and sat beside me I thought typical and worried in my mind and dreaded when I needed to get off. The whole bus ride would be filled with anxiety and worry about what I thought other people thought. Imagine that worrying energy every time you are around people? It’s disabling.
As a teenager your problems seem like the end of the world; one doesn’t have perspective and doesn’t know it. The most important thing is fitting in and being popular. I’ve always heard you care less with age. I think that is true.. Naturally one figures life out a bit more and gets to know oneself. I know I’ve done that. Still, it’s not enough to be more comfortable in my skin. I used to HATE myself. Load myself. Now, I’m okay. I still have negative thought of myself every now and then but it’s better. But I want to love myself. I don’t know how. Having a supportive and adoring boyfriend helps.
There are a few places in my everyday life that I notice that I still care a lot about what other people think. Those areas are:
- Plans for the future; I unconsciously take into consideration what people will think if I do this and that. I think of my achievements in term of what people will think. Why? The ego..
- My image; I catch myself feeling a sense of accomplishment when someone says something about me that I overhear that correlates with how I want to be seen. The ego man..
- When me and the boyfriend are in the van and people look curiously in on our life. I get agitated and a bit annoyed. Why? I don’t like to be judged because I can’t control what they think.
- When I practice on filming myself for youtube. I get so nervous when thinking that my neighbours hear me and judge me. Why? Again, I don’t like to be judged because I can’t control what they think.
SO! When it comes down to it, it’s the ego and the control. THEY MAKE ME CARE – I wrote that right as I thought it and then wanted to correct it because I felt that I’m trying to blame it on something else. BUT that’s the truth. That’s how I think. Maybe that’s what I do and it’s meaningful to acknowledge that. I don’t take responsibility in this sense. How can I take responsibility? Accept the problem and that I let it happen. First step: consciousness when it happens. Second: question it. Is it really logical to react this way? Can I change my reaction? Third: ? not there yet. Maybe I’ll get there… another thing I wrote automatically then wanted to correct to: I’ll get there. That maybe. Why do I feel like I won’t accomplish ego death? Absurd. Not correct. Need to start having hope for myself and on my ability. As always: have self-compassion and patience ❤
A suggestion is to read “The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga” on this. It’s a reaaaallly good book that is written like a dialogue between a filosofer and a student. It’s a good one. I loved it and really want to read it again. It’s on my to do list. Maybe I’ll read it soon and give a summary and discuss my thoughts on it.
Thanks for now. Ttyl 😊