Last week I started the process of zen coaching again. I realized I needed guidance again after meeting this girl when we were out with the van. She started talking to us as we walked by and I was mesmerized by her openness and energy. It reminded me of my goal. I also want to be as open and loving. I have since been in contact with her and she was the one that inspired me to take up zen coaching again AND blogging since she had a blog (I am really starting to understand this concept of the universe gives you what you need and everything that happens has a meaning. Beautiful!) In her blog she wrote three years ago about working with a teacher to overcome her limitations and fear. It stood out to me as I realized that is the step I need to take. Working with fear. I still feel fear of other people. I feel fear of people judging me and not liking me. I feel fear of being rejected. Fear of meanness. Fear of people making me feel like a weirdo. Not as much as before but it’s still there. All of this is suppressed from social anxiety and handled but it is still underlying. I haven’t reflected and understood it this clearly before. The thought of how fear of other people still limit me came up when I was thinking about what fear I wanted to bring up and work on first in zen coaching. I realized what hinders me in life the most is the limitation I feel around other people. If the problem didn’t exist I wouldn’t be so stressed out while being in the world. With a goal of being zen coach myself later in life and working with others I need to face this. So, back to starting zen coaching again I reached out to a teacher in my city and made plans to meet. It was good. It was emotional as always. I cried and poured my heart out.
Some key points I gathered from the one hour with her was:
- I’ve developed a resistance to overthinking and hence gotten a spiritual ego. I think this developed from reading so many books and consuming so much content about being in the now that I made it a thing. I know it’s that. It has become thing and a concept I’m trying to grasp. Classic! (here’s a link to an explanation of the spiritual ego by a guy i follow: https://youtu.be/-Uqpq2_13nk)
- Practice meditation will give me patience for the overthinking dilemma! (important one!)
- I need to acknowledge the resistance and let it be there. Resisting the resistance is just a negative cycle that will never stop. Never-ending loop..
- I have too high standards on what meditation should be like. I went to a silent retreat (Vipassana) for ten days two years ago where the take home message was meditation two hours a day will lead to enlightenment – it didn’t help my relationship to the practice. Meditating has become a task and the lightheartedness and curiosity to explore oneself isn’t there. The zen coach I worked with suggested I sit down and just ask myself “what is going on inside of me right now?” when I feel disconnected. Maybe that is enough to land in the body and moment and not feel like my mind is all over the place.
I feel like these thoughts and the meeting really gave me something. I hadn’t made this connection as clearly before, that the spiritual ego had that big of a role in my life. As Allan watts says; the spiritual ego is just the ego in disguise. I need to acknowledge that. And accept it. I need to sit with the idea that maybe thinking so much isn’t the worst thing? I can learn to guide it so it doesn’t become as dysfunctional but to have the expectation that I can erase ever overthinking all together is unrealistic.
So it always comes back to the self-compassion. IT TAKES TIME. IT´S A PROCESS.
I’m starting this zen coaching journey again and it feels good. I am more and more comfortable in myself and i’m realizing what really matters in life (for myself) and I have a long life left to discover things. It feels good. Life is good. I’m on the right track 😊 ❤