This is the goal for me. I want to feel comfortable enough around people that I can act like myself without being on guard as if people around me want to harm and hurt me. I think its very common to feel like you are playing a role in everyday life. I don’t want it to be like that. I want to be myself and be okay if someone dislikes me and deems me weird. I want to be able to say what I want and not think before if it’s the “right” thing to say. Its exhausting trying to gauge what I think the other person wants to hear. So, to be myself and express my personality and creativity with fearlessness. Its all I want. So why don’t I? how can I not fear the feeling a dirty look makes me feel. If I sit with this for a second I naturally think that working on a inner peace inside myself and relying on that in the world would help. I once heard someone compare meditation to maintenance on a gate to our own secret and hidden garden. If we constantly maintain that gate so it opens easily we can access that inner calm whenever. If someone gives you a funny look as you say something that doesn’t land maybe having a calmness inside yourself for the most time of the day will make that moment not feel as hauntingly scary. As a teenager I replayed the awkward and embarrassing moments in my head to torture myself. Why? Maybe it was a defense mechanism. I thought if I replayed it I would figure out why and how and prevention it from happening again (but I cant control the people and the enviroment around me so it leads to nothing but control issues) It made those moments so much more intense. The feelings from a brief interaction lived on in my head for weeks. It seems obvious when I write this that I still feel that way to some degree now. I never worked on this directly. Its also one of those things that I just suppressed with time and by doing more things in the real world compared to my few interactions with people in my teenage years those moments become less powerful but they are still there. I don’t replay the incidents over and over in my head because I have more things going on now so I don’t have as much time to give them power but they still exist. The want to control the situation so i wont get hurt. Defense mechanism..
So, meditating can help create inner calm that I can fall back on? If I have my own back and can give myself this warm and calm metaphoric embrace then maybe the “threat” out there in the world wont feel as bad. I need to be there for myself. That’s one step I could do.
Also, reflecting if something happens and question it. Was it really that bad? Why was it bad? Why does this bother me?
Two steps that seem easy but if they were easy I wouldn’t have a problem. Its always consciousness first to even start to question my reactive mind then I can infiltrate these edited reactions.
Also, I need to really prioritize meditation. I don’t at the moment, and I know I need to. How can I? why does it hit a brick wall there? I explored this a bit in the zen coaching I wrote about. What I realized then was my fear of failure because of the spiritual ego. My expectation are too high. I feel impatient and like a failure when I have trouble controlling my overthinking. But I know that if I practice on it, it will become better. Its silly how if we don’t question something and say it out loud or write it its so easy to lie to yourself. FIRST STEP HERE – acknowledgement. This is what I think; I will fail if I try to meditate so I don’t. But no, its illogical. You cant fail at something that is just sitting down in quiet. You fail when you have a goal and that goal is too big. Screw the goal. Just SIT DOWN.. And allow … ❤
A thought that came now when I reread what I wrote was that I will sit down a few times to meditate and after I will document the thoughts and feelings during the process. After I have a few pages I will summarize it and write it here. See what I come up with. That feels fun 😊 And reasonable. It also makes the act of meditation about exploration again, with curiosity. And I think that’s what meditation should be about. Maybe this will be good 😀 high hopes!