Ive written a lot about outward approval. Its so important to me. I crave the approval from others in order to feel enough. Its not ideal to have this relationship to approval. Something that is external from you will always disapear and that will in turn make you codependent. When its gone youre left with a craving to get it again. Make you feel whole again. This emptiness, not enough feeling, is what makes people likely to develop addictions. How can you not have a relationship to approval from others like its a drug? How can you treat it like its only a pleasent surprise whenever you get a compliment and someone shows that they approve of you as a person? A welcomed surprise but you dont chase it..
The answer seems simple. I need to get internally what someone elses approval wakes up inside me. How? Breaking it down, im chasing a feeeling i get outwardly. And what feeling is that? A feeling of warm and tingly warmth in my stomach; a sense of belonging to the world. I only get it and have the relationship to that feeling when im with others. Ive gotten it a few times inwardly before but with the help of someone else. When i had my zen coaching in Barcelona i felt the feeling of coming home in my body. I felt complete and full. When i experienced it I immediately felt moved and cried. I didnt know it was possible. She helped me then with being present and having the courage to be in stillness, without a feeling of impatience and boredom that comes with it. That was with her guidance. Sitting alone i find it hard to shut off my thoughts. I judge myself that i cant be still. I judge my boredom and i judge my impatience.
When i was at Vipassana (a silent retreat for 10 days) it took up until 7 days before i could really meditate. Before my mental narrative kept butting in constantly. Being silent and in stillness was a struggle. I realize that was after a week disconnected from society and THEN i could finally get distance to my inner monologue. A WEEK. Trying to meditate daily would make this easier with time. I KNOW THIIIIS. how many times havent i written this on my blog? I know how meditation would benefit me. And having that approach of it being a benefit to my “goals” makes it also a task. It shouldnt be a task because it makes it a thing I want to accomplish, not something I do to enjoy doing it. That is what happened after Vipassana. At the retreat I meditated for ten hours every day and then came back to society with the “prescription” of meditating an hour in the morning and one in the evening. It was hard. I didnt even make it one day. The first day i did 40 minutes in the morning then at the evening i did a half assed attempt then it slowly but surely ran out in the sand. It became something i dreaded. This is why i want to go to vipassana again and retake the experience. Learn from it some more.
I tasted the feeling of belonging without having to earn it and this is why im so motivated and continue to chase it. I want to feel this all the time. And i can. I will. I need to realize this also. Its my responsability. Everything i feel. Every thought, every reaction and every feeling is my responsability. This is frightening and at the same time so empowering. How wonderful isnt it?? thinking of how depressed i was when i was around 18 years old i feel awful. I knew i was unhappy and my anxiety fed on the victim complex. I wrote back then too. I have a diary in the basement where i wrote that i hated myself so much and that I in a weird sadistic way I liked my hatred inside. I now know that my ego was so identified with a feeling of misunderstood and victim that i couldnt imagine myself without it. I couldn’t separate that feeling from my every thought almost so imagining a life without feeling like a victim was impossible. And the feeling of misunderstood made my ego feel important. This was the only way i knew how. I felt at least a bit important and not useless. True love to others felt too distant because you cant really love someone if you hate yourself.. i was so caught up in feeling sorry for myself i was really egoistic to be honest. And i think a lot of people are still in that dysfunctional loop.
A few weeks ago i wrote about wanting to meditate and how i would document my thoughts after because it would be interesting to reflect on and make it more of a curious experiment. Ive done that a few times. Maybe six times. I will continue this and do a separate post on my experience. Until then 😀